Questions I’ve Been Waiting to Ask
by Eddie Mayrose

Here we are, two days before the end of the world.  According to the Mayans, those fun-loving Guatemalans whose civilization, some time around 900 A.D., simply vanished, December 21, 2012 will bring the curtain down on mankind’s Broadway run.

Now, I have to admit, the Mayan credibility takes a bit of a hit when you realize they probably thought they’d see the final performance; only to fall one or eleven centuries short.  But, once Hollywood made the movie, I figured it had to be true.

Therefore, I’ve abandoned my plans for, what now seems, unnecessary Christmas shopping and begun to get things in order. I don’t know if I’ll need a bag, but I’ve packed one, anyway.  And, yes, I’ve included some warm weather apparel because, well, I might need it.  Yet, as the date approaches, I find myself excited by the prospect of, finally, having some questions answered by the Big Guy.  You know, those things in a lifetime that, no matter how much time passes, always make you wonder.  Having no idea how much time I’ll have alone with Him, I decided it would be prudent to knock my list down to ten, so as to focus on the really, really important stuff.  Who knows?  Maybe He watches Letterman, too.

So, submitted for your approval and as the last column with which I’ll bore you, (you hope), here are the Top Ten questions I’d like to ask God.

10) Tell the truth. You hated the Designated Hitter, didn’t You?

"I don't do miracles anymore. My last miracle was the '69 Mets."

9 ) Of all the actors that have portrayed You on stage and screen, who’s Your favorite? Mine is George Burns.

8 ) Was there some kind of deal made for the ’69 Mets to win the World Series?  I mean, when you look at it, we’ve been through an awful lot since that Impossible Dream season. Payback?  Over the last four decades, we’ve traded away Hall of Famers, MVP and CY Young winners while, for the most part, languishing at or near the bottom of the NL East. Yes, I know there was ’86, but I really think that was us against the Curse of the Bambino and You had to make a choice.  I guess even You have to like New York more than Boston.  And, as long as we’re on the subject, what did Jason Bay do to piss You off?

7 ) How could the Wonder Years end without Kevin and Winnie getting married?  Seriously, the show ran for six years. After all that time, the illusion had to be destroyed in the series’ final minute?  Someone’s going to have to answer for that one.

6 ) Was there some kind of deal made for the ’68 Jets to win Super Bowl III?  I mean, when you look at it, we’ve been through an awful lot since Broadway Joe made that guarantee.  Payback?  Over the last four decades, with precious few exceptions, we’ve made a mockery of the draft,  (Johnny “Lam” Jones, Browning Nagle and Vernon Gholston immediately leap to mind), hired Joe Walton and Rich Kotite to lead the team and suffered the longest Super Bowl drought this side of Detroit, while languishing at or near the bottom of the AFC East.   And, as long as we’re on the subject, what did Mark Sanchez do to piss You off?

"Twist of Fate"

5 ) When Olivia Newton John decided to marry someone thirteen years her junior, why wasn’t it me?  He couldn’t have been just five years younger?  Or ten?  Did he really have to be exactly my age?  That one still hurts.

4 ) If we had been able to make it into 2013, would Notre Dame have beaten Alabama?

3 ) JFK. Here’s what I think. Our deal with Khrushchev got the missiles out of Cuba but made us agree to back off on Castro. Fidel then brought the hammer down on the Mob, destroying a billion dollar racket. La Cosa Nostra, recruited by papa Joe Kennedy to rig the election in Chicago and then by President Jack Kennedy to take out Castro, got a teensy bit upset when the Cuban money dried up and Attorney General Bobby Kennedy went after organized crime. Thrice betrayed, the Mob  put a hit on the Commander in Chief. Did I get any of that right?

2 ) Would You have voted the steroid cheats into the Hall of Fame?

1 ) Why couldn’t we ever take the guns away from the bad guys?

Well, that’s the list. Don’t worry, though. I have an alternate plan if we should all see Ryan Seacrest on New Year’s Eve. Let’s get off of our fat asses and do something about these weapons, so that, when we finally meet the heroic teachers and little angels of Sandy Hook Elementary School, we can look them in the eye and tell them they didn’t die in vain.

Merry Christmas.

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