It was a frustrating opening week for the Lock family as four, one-point losses stood between them and a perfect weekend. As it was, Uncle Gil of Ryno Rife sports handicappers was winless, drawing the wrath of his nephew, Pad.
“I know it’s the first week”, said Pad, ” but c’mon, Uncle Gil. An ohfer?” “I went to summer camp in Maine with the worst handicapper ever. Couldn’t pick a winner in a one-horse race. Even he would have gotten one right.”
This little Rife rift is something to watch, as the Locks have taken action against disappointing results in the past. One suspects that, should Pad go to the bullpen, old standby, Johnny Duduguande, could make his 2011 debut.
What gives Pad the authority to make such a move? “Hey, I’m the guy carrying this team. That’s the nuts and bolts of it. If Uncle Gil doesn’t like it, let him sell cold cuts on the Jersey Shore!”
With that threat as motivation, Gil looks to turn things around this Saturday.
Locks of the Week (Season Record: 5-4)
Gil Lock (0-3)
Wisconsin -18 over Oregon State- The Beavers lost their home opener last week to Sacramento State. Sacramento State!! Before then, did anyone know that Sacramento State had a men’s team. Wisconsin rolled over UNLV last week and will do the same to the aptly named Oregon State squad.
Notre Dame – 3 1/2 over Michigan- I know all of the Irish boosters were embarrassed by Brian Kelly’s screaming last week but, maybe that’s the problem. It’s about time someone lit a fire under this squad. Notre Dame has a lot of talent and Michigan doesn’t. It’s that simple.
Northern Illinois -5 1/2 over Kansas- Little conference against big conference here, which probably gives you a discount. Northern Illinois has some big old country boys on their O line and they’ll run all over the Jayhawks.
Jill Lock (2-1)
Alabama -10 over Penn State- It’s the same thing every year. Penn State beats up on some flag football team to open the season and I have to hear about it from this big-headed guy running the deli counter where I shop. My sorority could beat Indiana State. Alabama’s coach is way too handsome to lose to that really old guy from Penn State.
Half a pound of roast beef, please, and stick your Lions in your sock, Buckethead.
Oregon – 22 1/2 over Nevada- Oh my goodness, are the Ducks going to be mad after last week. Nevada lost one of my favorite cutie-patooties, Colin Kapernick, to the NFL and will really miss him. It’s going to be a long day for the Wolfpack.
Pad Lock (3-0)
Stanford – 20 1/2 over Duke- I can’t believe that Duke can have such prominent programs in other sports and field a high school football team. The Cardinal’s Andrew Luck will look to pad his Heisman resume while Stanford beats the Blue Devils by a Duke SAT score.
UCLA – 21 over San Jose State- Remember that kid in high school that spent most of his time stuffed in a locker by bullies? In my school, it was this annoying little gnome named Philly Wrinkles. Philly Wrinkles, meet San Jose State, possibly the nation’s worst team.
Arkansas – New Mexico over 51- If we learned anything from Bill Clinton is that they like to score in Arkansas. Razorbacks may get the points themselves.